And what if she's too small for her dreams?
by starlightcake
Summary: If there's one thing Rachel hates, it's losing, and she isn't going to let that happen anytime soon. She doesn't want him to win. / oneshot


**Summary:** If there's one thing Rachel hates, it's losing, and she isn't going to let that happen anytime soon. She doesn't want him to win.

* * *

It's not like Rachel can't see the difference.

Her _dreams _are too big for Lima. Kurt _himself _is too big for Lima.

So Rachel is sure that no matter what kind of future Kurt is planning for himself, he's going to get it and _win_. It's fairly obvious for anyone to see, really: you just have to look at him and you can tell that this pathetic little town isn't for him. He doesn't fit here: no matter what he does, where goes, he always looks like he's in a place where he simply doesn't belong. Lima isn't for him and he isn't for Lima, so she has no doubt in her mind that he's going to be the first one of them to leave it behind, and perhaps, the only one of them who's going to do so _for good_. It's frustrating, because while Rachel knows that it's not like Kurt is going to get everything he wants in a hearbeat, of course it's going to be hard road for him, but he's still going to _succeed_ because he has all what it takes. Because he's simply too unique to be passed by without second glance.

Rachel knows that her dreams are big, too big, for an ordinary girl like her, but she still wants to believe in them. She's a dreamer, and when she wants something, she'll do _everything_ in her power to achieve it, no matter what it takes. She _knows_ she's got talent, she knows she's good, but sometimes, she has to wonder if it is enough. And how she hates those moments, when she can't help but _doubt_ and fear.. because no matter how self-centered she can be, she has no delusions. So Rachel knows that there are million other girls like her out there, tons of them with less talent, and tons of them with more experience. Million other girls who do it just like her.

She knows that she'll have to work very, very hard, without single mistake, and keep on improving, because otherwise, she'll _fail_ and lose.

Everytime when Mr. Schuester picks her for the lead, everytime he makes it obvious that he prefers her to all of them, it feels like a victory. It means she's better than them, it means she's winning them (and _Kurt_), it means she's still one step ahead.

(_It's for these reasons she refuses to hear what she knows she's hearing when Kurt fails to hit the note in Defying Gravity. She wins, gets the solo and allows herself to feel the triumph of winning, because she has beaten him.)_

Not that Rachel allows herself to trust into Mr. Schuester's judgement too much: after all, he's the man who had the dream to be something big, the man who failed and didn't make it. Just another Lima Loser.

But she's still winning and still ahead of Kurt, up until he joins the Cheerios and is allowed to show just what he's capable of.

Rachel _is not_ jealous.

(_Sometimes, when she's capable of being honest to herself, she admits that there's a reason why she hates him. It's so much easier to channel her envy into something malicious._)

Of course it's more than a game for her: it's her life, her _future_, her very existence. Of course it's bigger than that, but she can't help it, seeing it as a race between the two of them. And how it frustrates her: not only is it possible that she's _losing_ in the long run, but he doesn't see it like she does. He doesn't have to, he's above such things: he doesn't care whether or not he beats Rachel as long as his own dreams will hold tue in the end.

She's very mad at him for that.

And she's very, very mad at him for making her like him. Yes, Rachel firmly believes in the saying 'keep your friends close, and enemies even closer', but at some point she has to admit to herself that she has already blurred the lines of enemies and frenemies long ago.

Because even if she doesn't know when, at some point she started to genuinely care about him.

(_It might be a weakness, but maybe it will soften the disappointment if she'll indeed lose in the end._)


End file.
